I disagree with Dr. Laura about the
nature of marriage. She believes that if the wife makes sufficient
effort to be sexy and appealing, the husband will not seek sex outside
of marriage.
I consider the following statement to be a core truth in marriage for humans under 45 years of age: in the majority of cases one or both partners are too horny to be monogamous over a long period of time.
If that is true, and I'm certain it is, then marriage must be able to deal with that truth. I suggest that there is only one solution, a policy of 'Don't ask, don't tell'. Why?
If the spouse tells about an indiscretion and believes that there is such a thing as acceptance (and secretly expects the solution to be open marriage)... then both partners are too involved in wishful thinking to sustain a marriage. Hippies tried open marriage and found that there was no such thing. Many gay men have tried open relations too....it doesn't last very long.
Acceptance of a straying spouse may happen once but it won't happen again, except in spouse abuse cases.
That explains the don't tell part. The don't ask part is even more important. I believe that any partnership, any marriage, is based on trust and trust can not survive dishonesty.
Therefore neither
partner can put the other partner in the position of having to admit to sex
outside of marriage or being forced to give a dishonest answer.
That is why 'Don't ask' is vital. A spouse who asks suspicious questions such as 'Where were you those two hours?', 'Did you meet anybody else at that conference in Chicago?' is going to force the partner to be dishonest and ruin the trust ( which will destroy the marriage slowly) or to be honest and end the marriage promptly.
Do you follow the logic. One core truth: majority of young people are too horny for monogamy. One core thesis: honesty is necessary for marriage and partnerships. Reality solution to stay married: 'Don't ask, don't tell.'
Might I add one thing: I had a late-in-life wife who was always suspicious. Most of the suspicions were totally unwarranted. But I said to myself 'why waste my time being scrupulously monogamous if I'm going to be suspected anyway?' The observation is: a jealous spouse virtually creates philandering.