Lonely differences

Byline: Tokyo

The subject of suicide came up in conversation. Suicides at all ages are more common in Japan than in the United States.

The total number of suicides and homicides per capita combined is roughly the same in both countries. As John Marlin once, half jokingly, pointed out: in New York, a suicide just has to walk out on the street and insult someone in order to be listed as a homicide.

We were talking about a suicide note, left behind, that blamed loneliness. I found this an unfortunate and careless use of the term loneliness. There are a number of forms of loneliness, and in my opinion, only a few warrant association with suicide.

There is the loneliness of extraordinary intelligence or of extraordinary creativity that takes one into worlds no one else inhabits. This is a kind of loneliness that comes with the territory so to speak. Highly intelligent and highly creative people may need to explain to each other what it feels like to inhabit such a stark landscape. Maybe we need more people talking about this.

There is existential loneliness about which much has been written. We die alone, but we all do it alone; it is part of being human. There is also an existential loneliness that arises from the fact that no one can truly know another person. That is also part of being human. Most of us accept these forms of loneliness as sources of wisdom.

There is romantic loneliness, that presumes souls and matching pairs. Therapy doesn't seem able treat this, nor does sex or marriage. People with this form of loneliness are on an endless search. It is just sad. The search is also romantic.

There are two kinds of loneliness that I personally find would warrant suicide.


The first is the loneliness of being physically alone. When I'm physically alone I am usually happy ... the longer I'm alone the happier I can be. If this were not the case ... if I had no joyful inner identity, I could readily understand suicide as an option.

The second is a similar loneliness that comes from being in a world that doesn't acknowledge your existence. This can happen to celebrities, rich people and beautiful women. When all the people around you see a YOU that has no connection to your own identity, and your genuine identity begins to fade, that is horrifying.

I call it the Marilyn Monroe loneliness and I find it genuinely tragic. There are ways out of this kind of loneliness but, this is the tragedy, people rarely give up celebrity, money and beauty deliberately.

There are many kinds of loneliness. I've only mentioned a few. It strikes me that a wider discussion of the subject of loneliness would be helpful to people who say they are lonely.